The One Thing That I Tried to Hold Onto
by Obsessed.with.writing
Summary: Edward leaves in New Moon and Bella gets on with her life. I like it. Song fic to Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch.


**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight or the song so yeah. Also this is going to happen over a long period of time but is only going to be one chapter so yeah sorry if you get confused.**

_Of all the things I believe in  
I just want to get it over with_

It had been a while since I'd seen _him_, he'd left me in the woods. I was just human and he was a god. Why would he love me? _How_ could he love someone like me? I was a no one. So he had left. He had left me empty for a while, but it stopped. It never stopped completely but I had decided that enough was enough, I had to stop moping around.

I had to just get over it. So I had decided to move away from Forks, I still had an open invitation to Jacksonville, I could still take it up and go to live with Phil and Renee. Renee would be overjoyed, and maybe I would find a guy. A non-vampire guy.

So I told Charlie and even though he was rather upset, I could tell that he knew it was for the best. I told him that it was the only way to get over _him_ and that I had had some amazing memories over the time I'd spent here. I told him that I would still come here, I'd never forget him, but I needed to get away. He accepted this, and he told me two dreaded words.

Be safe.

_Tears from behind my eyes  
But I do not cry  
Counting the days passed me by_

So I started to pack up my things. I grabbed all I had and stuffed it into different bags. I did it slowly, I wanted to remember getting over him. I knew I would never completely get over him, but I could try. I had tried to cry myself better many a time, but never did any tears come out. They just stayed there, willing me to keep my memories of him, remind me that I had something I was willing to die for, I had _someone_ I was willing to die for, yet he was just lying to me.

I sat down on my bed and just stared at my almost empty room. It was upsetting, but what could I do? I wanted to get away, I _needed _to get away. To get away from the memories, the regret. I had to get over him.

_I've been searching deep down in my soul  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old_

Angela and Mike and all of those tried to get me up and perkier. But it didn't work. I was broken and I was sick of hearing the same words over and over again, they were the things that were so obvious but so hard to do. They told me to 'get over him' but how could I? I loved him so much and it almost physically hurt me to be away from him.

That's why I intended to move away too. I wanted to get away from the memories, get away from them all. The happy ones, the sad ones, the frightening ones, all of them. I needed to so I could get over him, and also so that I could remember who I was.

_Feels like I'm starting all over again  
The last three years were just pretend and I say_

It was hard for me, hard knowing that I would be leaving my new life behind. But I knew it was also essential. If I didn't, I didn't know how bad it would get, how I would become. Better to realise something was going wrong before something actually did.

I sighed and went back to packing. I left a lot, anything that reminded me of Edward, the sweaters he loved me to wear, the Linkin Park CD we both had, anything I could. It made my bags a lot lighter as I was leaving a lot of stuff. I had called Renee, told her I was going to live with her. She was overjoyed, especially since she knew about how upset I was about Ed…about _him._ So as I packed up my things, I headed off to the airport. Charlie gave me one last hug, then let me go. Off to Jacksonville.

In the plane I just stared out of the window, not reading, not listening to music, nothing. Just staring out into the clouds. I felt comfortable doing that. It made me feel not as empty.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

Every so often when I closed my eyes I saw his face. His beautiful face, so hard, so emotionless yet so emotional at the same time. It wasn't anything compared to what he really looked like, but it was so close. I could almost hear his voice, almost smell his breath. I felt a bit better every time.

No. I couldn't welcome that memory. He was gone. He left me. He wasn't coming back. Fighting back my tears I just waited for my flight to be over as I remembered the square root of pi. 1.7724538509055160272981674833411. Such a trivial thing to think about. But it let my mind away from him.

_You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

The plane landed. I looked out at the boiling weather, the sun beating down on the tarmac. Joy. I sighed and walked out into the heat. I closed my eyes as the heat beat down on me. It was comforting, no longer as cold, no more rain, just heat. I walked into the terminal and walked to see my mother. As soon as I saw her and she saw me, she rushed over to me and hugged me. Instant mothering instinct. I smiled and let her, telling her that it was good to see her and tried my hardest to make her happy. Still only a shell.

_I used to get lost in your eyes  
And it seems like I can't live a day without you_

It had been months since I'd moved away from Forks and into Jacksonville, and I still missed him. He was such a big part of me, it seemed like every day apart from him was getting harder for me. I wanted too much to look for him, but how could I do that? I didn't know where he was, I didn't know where his family was, I didn't know anything about it.

It was getting so much harder instead of easier. Again I was the new kid, and this time I didn't instantly click. I had a few friends, and I could tell someone was interested in me, but I couldn't react to it. I didn't _feel_ the same for him. I knew I was hurting his feelings because I didn't but I couldn't do a thing about it. I still loved him and I always would.

_Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right_

Renee was getting a bit more worried. She could tell something was wrong, but I don't think she realised that I was still in love with him. I thought that she thought that I was still trying to settle into the school. It just takes time, she'd say over and over again.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

It had been a year since he left and I was nothing but an empty shell still. I was barely eating anything, I wasn't sleeping well, I was barely living. Every night I'd stay up and do work, making it better and better just to get him out of my head. I wanted it all to end.

Every so often I thought I heard his voice, but I knew it was nothing but my imagination. I could have been dead and he wouldn't care. I was practically dead to him anyway.

_You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

I decided it was too much after two years. I had nothing to live for, why should I keep everyone this tormented? Why was I hurting myself like this? Making myself live through this day in and day out. So I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to deal with it any more.

_Ohhh yeah  
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine  
I want you but I'm not giving in this time_

I sat down in the heat outside my window. I had a small ledge and I could climb onto it and just watch the sun set. But today I wanted to sit there for another reason. I watched everything go past and I decided if there was something that made me happy that went past, I'd keep fighting, if not, I would end it.

So I watched. For three hours I watched, and then I saw it. A small child who'd hurt themselves, tears brimmed in their eyes, daring to spill over, and a mother who picked the child up comforting it, but in her eyes you could see that she was upset too. She felt what the child felt.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

I realised what a mistake I was thinking about doing. How could I take my life? How could I do that to my family? I stood up and got back into my room. I looked around at the drab room and winced as I realised how bad I'd been. I called Renee and asked her if she wanted to get a large amount of paint and restyle my room. She was more than overjoyed to.

_You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

So that was the start of my recovery. The day I began to feel back to a new person. I got a new boyfriend and I did what I set out to do. I got over him.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

And through the years I never once forgot him. I never ever just forgot who he was, or forgot how I felt around him. But I accepted that he didn't want me, maybe one day I'd see him again. Maybe.

_You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

I had a child with my husband Jackson. He was sweet and kind and gentle and I loved him truly. And soon we moved to a small rainy town and lived a small quiet life, taking Jamie to school, and that's when I saw him.

He was standing there by another silver car. I saw him and smiled at him, I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel hatred or any ill thoughts about him. He looked at me shocked. I smiled at waved at him as I dropped off young Jamie into the school, giving her a kiss on the cheek before I did.

_When the stars fall and I lie awake  
You're my shooting star_

I went over to him and told him that I was happy to see he was alright, and I told him that I had kept his secret to everyone but my daughter who thought it was just a story. He told me that what he said was a lie, but I told him that it didn't matter, I was married with a child and even though I did still love him, I couldn't. I was who I was and right now I had a family. I told him to give love to his family and I told him that he always had part of my heart.

And then I left with a goodbye. He had left me, and now this was my life. I couldn't change that and to be honest, I never ever regretted his decision or mine. I had never felt whole again, but I did feel better. He was well, I was well and my life would end happy.

I had said goodbye to him, I had let go of him and I was glad about it.

**A.N.- Ok so this is my first 'Bella and Edward don't end up together' but I like it, I'm not going to continue it though because I want it to stand on its own. I love it and I think that it is such a good way to end it, so Bella got over Edward. And I'm glad she did. This is a warning that if you read any of my other stories I'm unable to update as much as I used to. The only reason I did before was because I had just finished school and I had three months free, now college is a lot harder so I'm going to try and update asap but no promises.**

**Playlist**

**Michelle Branch- Goodbye to you**

_Thanks to emoTWiLiGHT who is amazing and stuff, this is dedicated to her for things happened today. You know I'm here for you, and you should know by now I never care about your rants or your babbling.__  
**Beta Note: Ashleigh is the best friend and best beta anyone could ever ask for. I love her so much, so please review. It's the least you could do for this wonderful person. (:  
**You're sweet Kads but you know what I was planning for Bella in this and with everything today, I decided against it._


End file.
